Dear Kiki,

Halloween is next week, and I have a problem. My husband and I were invited to a Halloween party, but I feel a little silly dressing up in a costume. What do you suggest?

- Unaccostumed to This

Dear Unaccost-ee,

By all means, wear a costume! The beauty of Halloween is that it is an excellent opportunity for subversive attention-getting, or SAGging. I typically go as Marie Antoinette, because I get to wear all of my diamonds (of course, this necessitates my insurance people coming along - luckily, Mr. McPerfect’s personal assistants are all able to lend these gentlemen their “every day” footmen’s uniforms for the occasion) and just look generally fabulous! I am fortunate and filthy rich enough to have in my possession one of Marie Antoinette’s original gowns from Versailles; unfortunately, I had to have it taken in because she had a 20 inch waist, and I didn’t want to look like I was wearing a tent!

Anyway, my rule of thumb if you are in a real bind is to simply pick any costume that begins with “Sexy:” “Sexy Maid,” “Sexy Devil,” “Sexy Chairman/CEO” are all acceptable for SAGging. By all means, do not choose a costume that does not give you an excuse to look extra fabulous, such as “Boring Witch” or “Unsexy Hobo.” Of course, one shouldn’t go too far with regard to the sexiness: always at least wear a brassiere when SAGging.

My only caveat is to be on the look-out for the green-eyed monster that invariably rears her drab, frumpy, uncreative, unmotivated head. You’ll know a person possessed by jealousy when she, in her messy, ramshackle scarecrow costume, rolls her eyes as you are stepping daintily out of your glass carriage and onto the rose petals that have been strewn up the pathway to the party entrance. She may even glare at the red velvet ropes along the path, which are really just in keeping with the Marie Antoinette theme (you need something to keep the cake-eating proletariat at least 10 feet away, don’t you?). Actually, the red velvet ropes are also useful at PTA meetings and soccer games when you are not in the mood to mix with the common folk! The beauty of SAGging: you can use Halloween as the perfect scapegoat, and nobody can argue with you! If they do try to accuse you of being a “big stupid flouncing show-off” or a “horrible deep décolletage-baring harpy,” you can just accuse them of not caring about their appearance; I find this all-purpose barb is helpful in most situations.

Happy SAGging to you!

- Kiki

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Posted by admin on October 22nd, 2008 :: Filed under Uncategorized

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Dear Kiki, I’m so concerned, and I hope you can help me. My daughter is starting at a state university in a couple of weeks, and she is already talking about rushing a sorority. I don’t know where she got this idea; my husband and I are former hippies!

We have told her how important it is to meet all kinds of people and develop relationships with them, but she seems hell bent on fitting in with the “Greek” system. Furthermore, she’s looking at us differently. Hello, my armpit hairs are no longer than they were yesterday.How would you handle this situation?

Patchouli Julie with Daughter Unruly

Dear Patchy,

Oh dear. As traumatic as it was for me to read this, I always attempt to be positive, so I must relate that this letter elicited more vomiting into my own mouth than any other I have received. Brava, Julie! (That is how people who are better than you say “Congratulations on your dubious and nauseating achievement!”) As always, I feel the need to make this entire predicament more interesting to my vast and adoring audience by talking about something pleasant: me! I, myself, was a part of a sorority. I was also the president and High Queen in Residence of Alpha Alpha Alpha Alpha (three “Alphas” were simply not enough to contain our awesome wonders!).

It was a daunting position, but I believe I did a splendid job. Apparently the National Society for High-Falluting Mega-Sororities did too, for I was named “Most Alphalicious” 3 years in a row. Of course, I likely would have gotten it that fourth year too, if it weren’t for the fact that I graduated a year early! I thought one year for each major was plenty, and have no idea why it would take 4 years to finish anything except a presidential term. I guess some college students need extra time to partake of “the wacky tobacky” while they stare pointlessly at Day-Glo posters depicting “far-out” designs. A daunting task indeed!

Anyhoo, my first piece of advice to you is to get yourself a pair of garden shears and get to work on those armpits. By the way, in the McPerfect household, we do not say the word “armpit.” The word is horrifying for reasons I can not quite articulate. We call this part of the anatomy the “reverse shoulder cranny”! After you are done tending to the tangled nightmare under your RSCs (I have a wonderful gardener I can recommend if the task becomes too overwhelming!), you ought to start researching sororities, and not the kind that promote things that don’t impress other people! Community service is nice (if people are aware that you have participated in it, that is), but being well-dressed and living in the best sorority house on the block is certain to impress others, and force them to raise their own standards! If that isn’t the true meaning of “community service,” I don’t know what is! Sniff, sniff. Excuse me, I believe there is a false mink eyelash in my eye.

Best of luck to you, Patchy, and by “best of luck” I mean “I hope you stop being a free-wheeling hippy and guide your daughter toward the shining Greekdom she deserves!”

- Kiki

PS: I am sending you a life time supply of razors. Please do not use them for anything disturbing; letting them sit in a drawer, unused comes to mind. And please, please stay off of the wacky tobacky.

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Posted by admin on September 22nd, 2008 :: Filed under Advice, Uncategorized
Tags :: armpit hair, patchouli, sororities

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Dear Kiki,

Dude, you are so uptight. Do you ever think about loosening up?

- Hippy Chick

Dear Tie-Dyed Nightmare of Liberalness Covered In the Woodstockian Mud of Shame,

I? Loosen up? Why, I am as loose as they come. I often let my hair down, and sometimes even more than one of them (on bank holidays, during Leap Years)!

Last week in fact, we had a family meeting wherein I chose not to veto a trip to the beach. The BEACH. The beach is something I have simply never, ever understood. Why would a person willingly drive a distance just to go to a place made of glorified dirt, only to swim in something that is not mad-made? Mumsy used to say, “Salt is for Cook, not for the water in which we swim,” as she would deflate my duck-headed innertube with an especially sharp hat pin. My analyst used to claim that this incident, which should rightfully be called incidentS, since it happened at least thrice yearly, is the reason for my rubber duckie collection. I think that is ridiculous, which is why I fired him and hired my Emotional Issues Justifier! EIJ, if you’re reading, please put Daffy next to Donald, as Daffy and Mr. Quacktastic do NOT get along. At all!

Anyway, as I said, I am very relacksed. Oh, relacksed is spelled with an x? Well that’s a bit much to take, I do not like the letter x, it is simply a lazy way of writing “cks.” As I was saying, I am very…hip, with “it,” whatever “it” is, which is something I’d rather not ponder. I would say I hope this helps, but I am fairly certain that you have vetoed reading in favor of “toking” on something and that you are currently on a hunt for some sort of a cheese doodle snack food.

- Kiki

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Posted by admin on August 28th, 2008 :: Filed under Advice

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Dear Kiki,

How do ya suggest I start doing charity stuff? I want to, like, REALLY get involved with charity stuff, but I ain’t really sure where to start.

- Wannabe Do-Gooder

Dear Person Who Needs a Grammar Tutorial,

“Charity begins at home” is a favorite saying of mine, because it gives me an air of magnanimity and moral righteousness to go around saying it. Why, just the other day, TwoHands asked me to loan her something called “a fiver,” and I answered her with the aforementioned phrase. To be completely honest, I mostly said it to avoid asking her what “a fiver” is, lest it disturb the delicately elite equilibrium of my fancy vocabulary, as I’m sure (knowing my friend TwoHands) that this is a slang word, and not a five iron, as I hoped against hope. I would just love it if she took up golf! It would be a wonderful change, especially since her involvement in Extreme Dodgeball on Rollerblades with Nunchucks seems to be encouraging her aggressive attitude. As usual, TwoHands’ response was to instruct me to do something vulgar (and frankly physically impossible) with my charity. Sigh.

But I digress. To back up my belief in charity beginning at home, I started my own charity in our home, which goes along with my other favorite saying, “Get a tax write-off by starting a charity in your own home!” I really considered where my help is needed most, and decided to create Billionaires Without Vacation Homes. There are many people like Mr. McP and I who, because of cruel zoning laws and silly “nature preserves,” are not able to build their dream vacation homes. We at BSWVH work to make sure that our “tax bracket buddies” (always cute-up your charity whenever possible!) are not left to languish at the hands of people who care about things like other peoples’ properties, and “the grasslands.” I have one word for the latter group: AstroTurf!

I hope that helps, mostly because I will be able to count it as my Charitable Act of the Day if it did! If it did not help, then I will have to say “hello,” audibly, to the staff and count that as my CAD. Sigh, again.

- Kiki

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Posted by admin on July 29th, 2008 :: Filed under Advice
Tags :: Advice, Billionaires without vacation homes, Charitable act of the day, charity, Kiki Mcperfect, Tax bracket buddies

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Dear Kiki,

I can not keep up with the drama on my message board. And when I can, I often don’t know when to jump in or what to say. HELP!

- All Drama-d Out

Dear All D,

I understand, truly I do. In fact, this is exactly why I hired my Interwebs Drama Interception & Organization Team, so they could create a system for me wherein I would not have to personally worry about this sort of thing.

For example, last week on my RichChignonChicks ‘board, a person named iluvmy7beemerz claimed that yellow diamonds can not compare to pink diamonds. This may seem like an innocent assertion, but soon someone called lovinmy5maseratis said that she had a cousin whose sister’s best friend’s aunt happens to love yellow diamonds, and due to her close personal relationship with this person (sarcasm mine!), lovinmy5 was extremely offended at iluvmy7’s attitude. Well of course, they are both insufferable nincompoops, but nevertheless, watching the drama unfold was a MUST. However, I have many charity Botox balls to attend and personal drivers to harangue, and so I didn’t have time to read all of this.

Of course, I still wanted a play-by-play of each dramatic moment, and so I called the team together: first was my Thread Recapper, who was able to sum everything up. Then there is my Snark Distributor, who will chime in with snark, where clever and/or appropriate. And then my Fluff Sifter sifts through and deletes the parts of the drama thread that turn into silly nonsense unrelated to the drama at hand, as when this particular thread seemed to have gone off track and transformed into a nonsensical drivel about whether or not MillionDollarGal’s driver is a “hottie”.

If you don’t have an I.D.I.O.T. to employ for the purpose of minimalizing your participation in threads of this ilk, then I am not sure what to tell you! Perhaps you should avoid those threads altogether, and concentrate more on the dramatic goodbye post you are sure to create eventually, since those who can not handle internet drama tend to write the most elaborate farewells. Hope this helps, or something like that!

-Kiki

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Posted by admin on July 24th, 2008 :: Filed under Advice

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Dear Kiki,

I have writer’s block. WTF?

-Blocked Writer

Dear Blocked Writer,

Assuming WTF stands for “What Terrific Flair,” I’d just like to say “STFU,” which stands for “Sincerest Thanks, Fawning Underling!”. I do admit to having terrific flair, but I just loathe bragging. You have probably noticed this already. I would much rather allow others to experience the gift of discovering my fabulousness all on their own, as opposed to shouting it from the mountaintops, which I could have done last year when I scaled Mount Everest for the 6th time, but chose
not to, because I am modesty itself!

As an example of my self-control, I must tell you how tempted I am to tell you how easy it is for me to write. But I won’t. And the only reason I wrote that in the first place was to inspire you, because that is the sort of person I am, thinking of others before myself, and using what may seem like bragging as a subversive tool used to accomplish what I like to call Inspiration Through Examples of My Wonders. (I apologize for the fact that this does not create an interesting acronym, but I donated the last great acronym I created to Acronyms for the Poor!) I persevere, in fact, through the awful things people say about what they perceive to be my bragging simply so that I can continue to inspire all of you by relating to you the stories of my various accomplishments, and telling you about all of my Great Stuff. I am selfless that way, and the only reason I say that is so that you might read it and say, “Kiki certainly is selfless, perhaps selflessness is attainable for me
too, although I couldn’t ever be as selfless as she is because she donated her 5th most beloved Bentley to charity last year, and nobody is THAT selfless.”

What was your question again? Oh yes, writer’s block. My advice is to forget what you are supposed to write about and write about whatever comes into your mind! Some call this “disorganized” or “a sign of being overly self-involved,” I call it “writing about something that is far more interesting than the nonsense problem you wrote to me about.” And for heaven’s
sake, whatever you do, don’t brag in your writing! It’s very unbecoming, something I am honestly not very familiar with, having been voted Miss Extremely Becoming and Modest 2008. (I insisted it ought to be “Mrs.,” but the judges insisted that I do not look old enough to be a married lady! Not to brag.)

- Kiki

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Posted by admin on July 8th, 2008 :: Filed under Advice

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On the photo, that’s not a glare from the flash, it’s the light from my wedding rings shining on the Lunchables box

First of all, I would like to thank our Supreme Headmistress for the opportunity to try strange foods and write an accompanying review for her Museum of Snack Foods. Under normal circumstances, one would have to drag me, kicking and screaming, to do something like this, but I happen to owe her a favor. Note to Her Corporateness: thank you for lending me that thing, you know, the thing I needed for that other thing? No, not THAT thing, the other thing, the one with the things on it. Thank you for that. I’ll assume you know what I mean by “that.”

For my odd snack, I decided to venture into the world of Ethnic Foods. Once, Tip was invited to something called a “pizza party.” After we were finished RSVPing “When hell freezes over”, I vowed to someday try this “pizza,” although not at this particular party, since it was in a public place whose mascot is apparently a gigantic rat. Not very reassuring, to say the least!

I recently had my personal shopper, Hazmat suit in hand, go to the local Aldi and pick me up some of this “pizza pie.” She returned with something called Oscar Mayer Lunchable. My ethnic issues advisor, Chip Hallowell Dooklesworth III, tells me that “Oscar Mayer” is the name chosen at Ellis Island by a person named “Oscaro Mayarini”, and so the ethnic pedigree of this food product is assured. I was VERY glad to hear that!

Although I do have misgivings about the truthitude of this statement. Just between you, me and the InterNet, Dooklesworth does not seem to have any response to my questions aside from “Fuggedaboutit” and/or “Whaddevah you say, lady.” My Background Checker has been insisting for
years that Dooklesworth is not his real name, and that he simply created this name in order to take his position on My Staff, but I don’t believe it! Would someone named “Vinnie ‘The Bones’ DiConsiglieri” wear a tie to work every - or most - days? I say, (oh, this will be FUN!) “Fuggedaboutit!” Oh, I felt so
ethnic typing that, it almost makes me want to cook my own dinners, with fresh herbs! Almost.

This meal luckily comes with something called a Starburst and a Capri Sun - normally I would be horrified by such gummy, sugary things, but it just so happens that my Two Hands’ birthday is just around the corner, and this seems right up her alley!

I admit to being a bit perplexed by the inclusion of “pepperoni flavored sausage.” First of all, I have been informed that pepperoni is not such an exotic commodity that it can’t be easily included, in its purest state, in a lunch such as this. Also, why has the word “pepperoni” not been Americanized? Please, let us take the “i” off the end and call it a day!

As for the taste of this “pizza,” I would describe it as…crunchy. With a vaguely….cheesy, yes cheesy, texture on top. I must apologize, I have only had a nibble of this, truth be told. You see, my personal food taster is on vacation (which means no dining with Two Hands — I haven’t forgotten those poisonous mushrooms!).

I must say that having had a taste of this wonderfully ethnic food has emboldened me: in fact, next month, I am going to dine at a local Scottish/Irish establishment! It must be very good, as I have been told that over 10 BILLION have been served, and outside this wonderful little bistro is a pair of glorious golden arches! Thank you for the recommendation Two Hands, I had no idea you were such a gastronome!

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Posted by admin on June 21st, 2008 :: Filed under Uncategorized

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Dear Kiki,

It is the end of the school year and I still do not know what gifts to get for my children’s teachers! Please help!

- Present Predicament

Dear Present Preddy,

This is actually a wonderful problem to have! Now I believe quite strongly in rewarding Tip’s teachers: I would hate for them to make any negative comments when they are interviewed for his Time Magazine Man of the Year profile someday just because I neglected to brib- I mean, reward them properly! Also, you must appreciate the twofold beauty of the teacher gift: there’s the Time Magazine interview angle, AND gift giving gives you the opportunity to compare incomes with other parents without coming right out and giving numbers, which would be GAUCHE! (Gauche is French for “more fun”.)

What I typically do for the teacher is have Tip make her a nice little necklace out of macaroni. Joke, JOKE! Oh, I remember the year Tip wanted to do that, and we had to have the “Loving Hands at Home Should Stay at Home: Why Dry Macaroni is for Boiling Water, not Jewelry” lecture (my talks with Tip always have subtitles, because it looks better that way on the PowerPoint presentation). Anyway, what I typically do is get each teacher 365* mugs, one for each day of the year, with a different motivational quote from me on it! I have heard teachers drink a lot of coffee, and so I imagine they can’t have enough mugs! In fact, Tip’s last teacher exclaimed, “A MUG! A MUG! No student has EVER given me a MUG before!” as she descended into hysterics. I was glad that she was obviously happy to finally receive a mug as a teacher’s gift, but was taken aback by the hysterics, which I realized was her reaction to not having Tip in class anymore. Sigh. Anyway, I thought I would share some of my personal motivational quotes. Please feel free to use them for your own mugs, and also feel free to pay me a commission or face jail time and a fine!:

“Those who can, do. Those who can’t, don’t. Those who are determined to make more money than anyone else are huge winners and use their Louboutins to crush those who can’t underfoot like so many unmotivated ants!”

“Dreaming is for people who are sleeping and laz-a-bouts!”
And of course…
“One can never have enough mugs!”

Happy gifting!

-Kiki

*Make sure to add a mug during a Leap Year!

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Posted by admin on June 11th, 2008 :: Filed under Advice

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Dear Kiki,

I am looking forward to having an unscheduled summer with the kids, but I don’t want to end up having TOO lazy a summer! HELP!!!

Signed,
Sunny Daze

Dear Sunny D,

Sometimes, dear readers, it is almost as if we speak two different languages: whereas I speak Motivatedese, you all seem to speak Anythinggoeslish, which is apparently a sloppy slang-type language. “Unscheduled summer,” or indeed, unscheduled ANY season, simply does not compute in my mind. Why in the world would you allow your offspring to fritter away precious college application-padding time in the name of “fun”?*

The last time I checked (6.74 minutes ago), there is no such thing as a scholarship awarded for “Having Fun on the Playground” or “Laying Around Watching ‘Fairly Odd Parents’.” As I have explained to Tip and his staff, “fun” is something he is welcomed to have when he has his doctorate(s) in hand and has time to occasionally relax at his solid mahogany desk between Nuclear Physicist of the Year applications and household staff memo dictations.

Lest you think I am too uptight (and as proof that I am not — I did not allow my personal hairdresser to spray my chignon this morning — I too know how to live on “the wild side”!), I do have an “End of the Summer/What Exactly Did We Accomplish?” meeting with Tip, and I allow him to choose the theme! This year’s theme is “Relaxed Childhood.” We rent the “den” in the house of a local family, and watch one and a half Digital Video Discs. I allow him to wear a baseball cap and we “snack.” I received a memo from his assistant yesterday requesting that he be permitted to wear the cap backwards; if you’re reading this Tip’s assistant, the answer is, “I think you know what the answer is!”

Kiki

*I just had a thought: is that you, TwoHands? Oh no, if it were you there would be several expletives and no mention at all of a schedule!

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Posted by admin on May 27th, 2008 :: Filed under Advice, Uncategorized

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Dear Kiki,

I am having car trouble. Can you help?

- Having Car trouble

Dear Having Car Trouble,

Oh, I truly sympathize with this. I too have car trouble, all of the time. And as wonderful as Mr. McPerfect is, apparently 3 Nobels does not a sensitive husband make! He will not deal with my car troubles, which means I am left to my own devices, dealing with my car troubles all on my own.

Dear fawning reader, you may think that, given my extraordinary lineage, ginormgantic bank accounts and special talents for all things awesome that I would be immune to problems of the *shudder* “Average Woman.” Indeed, not. I too have car troubles. Why, just the other day, I was attempting to get in touch with my driver, Holmes Drivingbottom III, and the button that typically allows me to talk to him via intercom was stuck. Stuck! Someone had put a piece of tape over it. I knew it was tape because I have seen the help using it to wrap my birthday and Dearest Employer Day gifts. I then tried to call him from my cellular telephone, but as I did not have my personal operator with me, I was in a bind. I then valiantly tried to roll down the first of the three glass partitions separating Drivingbottom and I, but I then realized that I had never hired someone to do this, and until I do, it would be unseemly for me to do this myself. Anyway, the control for this too was taped, strangely enough! Drivingbottom seemed to find all of this highly amusing, sad to say; he laughed and laughed. I am fairly sure he was drunk because I saw a green box labeled “Scotch” wedged in his visor.

Anyway, everything turned out right in the end! Drivingbottom was docked pay for the month, and I was able to send someone else to the Russian Tea Room drive-thru for my venison and quail egg lunch. So as you see, I too have car troubles, but I persevere. I go on. You will too, and hopefully your driver, partition windows and intercom button will once again all work together harmoniously, as they should!

- Kiki

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Posted by admin on May 13th, 2008 :: Filed under Advice

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